The Art and Science of Self-Assessment
“We're convinced that if we acknowledge our pain we give it power when the reality is that we give ourselves power...There's so much beauty and healing that happens when we trust that naming and acknowledgement is a step forward, not a step toward more chaos..."
-Vienna Pharaon
"I couldn't read the label from inside the bottle," my client remarked while she put her chin in her hands, muffling a laugh. "I can't believe I told you that I'm not an emotional eater in our first session. It's the number one problem that's been going on in my food life! I can see it so clearly now. But how did I miss that? It scares me to think about what else I might be missing." Her eyes widened, tinged with fear. "Is this normal? I mean, do we all just not know who we are?"
I felt the weight of this thought alongside her. It can be a lot to process something that feels so vivid yet so foreign. The overwhelm that was sweeping over her was coming from multiple directions -- the clarity she suddenly had acquired was shocking, but the realization that she had missed this blind spot for years was alarming to her. How can someone be in their own brain but now know what their brain is doing?
Amazingly--yet painfully and interestingly--humans can be riddled with these personal blind spots. We are conscious creatures, but unknowing. If we knew who we were, we wouldn't need psychologists, historians, neuroscientists, primatologists, archaeologists, or even writers. We'd just...know. Yet, we just don't.
I find this to be an amazing part of us. As someone who works with people everyday hour-by-hour, I'm fascinated by the ways that we all experience things and how our own mind interprets them.
On a small scale, we have differences between brains like perceived effort. One client might find an early morning walk habit to be a lovely part of the day, and the second client might feel that the routine is unbearable. Or we have things on larger scales, like self-awareness.
One client might come in with full vulnerability, ready to talk about the binge eating that they hide from others. And the next client might report that they have no idea why they're struggling with their health; as if an outside, mysterious force is feeding and caring for them. Some people dive into their own self-awareness with rigor and curiosity, and others barely know who they are or understand the patterns that they're acting out over and over--and over--again.
Across society, humans have hurdles relating to self-assessment issues in impactful places like our communication, team work, community, relationships, medicine, self-care, and politics. Everything from tantrums at the airport to cutting one another off in traffic to how we relate to our romantic partners all reflect a person's ability to self-assess. In other words, how our brain detects, perceives, and processes its own information effects us all, across all parts of our life.
While we certainly could investigate this matter through a philosophical lens and ponder the meaning behind perception, self-assessment, and bias (we'd be here for years), we can jump to the take-home details for the purpose of our discussion today (you probably have things to do!).
If you're someone who is seeking change in your life, such as in your health, you undoubtedly must partake in self-assessment so that you can make a plan of what you need to change, why it needs to change, and how its going to change. To help support you in this process, let's talk about the art and science of self-assessment.
So what are blind spots, and how do they relate to self-assessment and personal growth?
Blind spots are essentially gaps in our self-awareness where we miscalculate, misunderstand, or entirely miss, a part of ourselves. It's the phenomenon of a brain not realizing what its doing, or not realizing what its missing.
As it relates to our health and personal goals, we find that blind spots can arise from two different origins: competence issues or self-protection.
Let's first look at competence.
The presence of blind spots due to incompetence is such a big challenge in work places, emotions, sports, science, research, and other high-level tasks that this has become a field of study itself. And from the research on these "blind spots," a measurable, named phenomenon emerged: The Dunning-Kruger Effect.
The Dunning-Kruger effect is the cognitive bias in which a person with low competence in a certain skill, ability, or trait overestimates their competence in that domain. Typically the inverse is also present, where high-performers in a certain skill, ability, or trait tend to underestimate their competence in that domain. This interesting "miss" seems to be due to the fact that a certain level of competence in something is required in order to detect incompetence in the first place. Thus, someone with low competence in a given domain doesn't even know what they're missing. Inversely, someone with high competence thinks about everything they could do better in that domain, and therefore scores themself lower.
To make sense of this, let's look at examples from different arenas.
Studies that assess skills like "emotional availability" or "cognition" have individuals rate themselves in these domains. Then, they perform a series of tests where this skill is assessed and scored objectively. After that, some studies even go further and have people from each participant's life rate the participant in that skill as a subjective measure. The findings are amazing. Consistently, individuals who scored themselves as particularly high in "emotional availability" were actually some of the lowest performers in assessments on emotional availability, and they also were rated as particularly emotionally unavailable by real people from their life. On the contrary, participants who self-rated themselves as moderate or lower in emotional availability were those who scored higher on the skill assessment and in the measures from people in their life. A similar pattern was found in the studies on cognitive abilities.
When it comes to dietary patterns, people often report that they're a healthy eater, or interestingly, "healthier than others." But when their full diet is assessed more subjectively, they're surprised at how frequently they're eating out (it was more than they thought), how frequently they're consuming snacks or desserts (it was more than they thought), or how much they're drinking alcohol (it was more than they thought). In fact, self-reporting of dietary intake is so poorly accurate that its no longer considered a reliable measure that can be used in research. Some studies have found that participants under-report their own food intake by up to 60%! That means that the data is missing more than half of the person's actual diet.
Does this mean that everyone is purposely lying about themselves? In the context of a competence issue, likely not. It means the participant's brains are not accurately detecting their own behavior.
How does this happen?
A high-level skill like emotional availability requires attunement, communication, self-regulation, empathy, and so much more. It's really many skills wrapped-in-one. If a brain doesn't even understand that those skills are needed in order to be emotionally available, it can't tell that its not acting those out. In other words, it poorly understands what emotional availability actually entails. So it doesn't realize that its not doing it. It can't see the complexity of what's required. People who are high in emotional availability understand how much it requires. When asked about their ability, they might reflect on memories where they could have been more available, or a habit they have that interrupts their listening skills, or what causes them to get defensive. This will prompt them to score themselves as lower because they understand how much true emotional availability entails and where they falter. In other words, they're competent enough to discern what can go missing.
Similarly, healthy lifestyles require a tremendous amount of skill. Everything from cooking abilities to emotional regulation to self-talk and habit change all effect someone's ability to eat well consistently. They also must understand what they need to have in their diet, why, and how to get it. If someone is low in the above skills--like emotional regulation or even some basic knowledge about calories--they might not realize how much their nutritional needs are not being met. Again, we see that competence is needed in order to detect incompetence.
One of the fascinating things about the Dunning-Kruger research is that low competence tracks with high confidence. Brains that have no idea what they're missing tend to be prouder, louder, or more satisfied with their output (think of some of the big accounts on social media that proudly declare to "cut out nutrient X" and buy their meal plans...eek!). Or as one of my students recently remarked when we discussed this concept, "It's like that girl in my friend group from college. She always said how nice she was, but she was one of the least kind people I knew." Indeed, if we have to tell people we are something, there's a strong chance we are not.
Yet, I don't believe that this means that people are happy. In fact, a hurdle like this Dunning-Kruger Effect can keep someone in a vicious cycle of suffering. But before we get to that, let's look at the second major place that self-assessment hurdles appear.
Let's explore blind spots that arise from self-protection.
Personal blind spots that arise due to self-protection are not necessarily a competence issue, but more so what's known as a fear-avoidance issue. The wonderful story about the little boy who saw the dragon is the perfect analogy. Psychologists who use this metaphor might have variations on how they tell the story, but it often goes something like this…
One night when his parents were putting him to bed, a little boy noticed that there was a dragon sitting on the end of his bed. "Mom, Dad, why is there a dragon on my bed?"
"There's no dragon there. Don't say that," The little boys parents said. But, staring right at the dragon in front of him, he insisted on the truth. "Yes there is! I see his scales and yellow eyes, he's staring right at me."
"Stop being dramatic," they said, "And do not tell lies. Now goodnight!" The boy's parents turned the lights off and left the room, leaving him to sleep next to the dragon on his own. The same thing happened the next night, and the next, and the next. For weeks, each night, the boy shared how he saw the dragon on his bed, yet his parents continued to tell him to stop saying such things. Their anger towards their son grew, and they started telling him that he would be grounded if he continued speaking that way. Fearing their backlash and disapproval, the boy learned not to mention the presence of the dragon to his parents.
But as the years went on, the dragon grew bigger. Eventually, the dragon was so large that it was taking up most of the boy's bedroom. Now a teenager, the boy couldn't even sleep in his own bed because of how little space was left. Courageously, he asked his parents about it again, "The dragon has gotten so big that I can't even get in my room or sleep on my bed. Are we going to do something about this?"
"Oh not this nonsense again," his parents replied. "No more dragon talk ever again. We don't even want to hear that word!"
Yet, the dragon kept growing. By the time the boy left for college, the dragon had grown so big that it was taking up most of the house--with its arms and legs poking out of the windows and its wings fluttering out the back doors.
When the boy came home from school to visit, the family was living in a tent in the front yard because they had no room to even get inside. "Wow, the dragon has gotten even bigger. What are we doing to do about this?" the boy asked.
The parents seethed at their son. "For the last time, there is NO dragon!" they scolded. Just as their voices hit the highest note of their yelling, the house exploded behind them under the crushing pressure of the massive dragon.
Their home now in pieces--with remnants of wood, windows, dishes, bedding, and silverware all over the neighborhood--the parents looked at one another, and then their son. The boy waited for his parent's to come to their senses. He hoped that they could build a new home now that they surely could see the reality of what was in front of them. And maybe in this new home they wouldn't let a dragon inside. He waited, hoping, as the seconds ticked on.
"Must have been a bad storm," the boy's mother said. "Can't control the weather," his father shrugged.
Now with no home to speak of, the boy got in his car and drove back to school.
As you might imagine, there was something that these parents did not want to see, but the innocent, sensitive child could (as all children can). It could be any problem, whether it be an emotional health issue in the home, marital problems, addiction or alcoholism, family secrets, or other health issues. Psychologists and psychoanalysts use this story, and others like it, to demonstrate the ways that things become worse and scarier when we don't acknowledge them. In fact, there is research on the findings that our personal issues, whether physical (like chronic pain or disease) or emotional (like anxiety or relationship turmoil), do not get better when they are avoided--they get worse. Avoidance strategies are self-protective, but not productive.
As one of my heroes, Vienna Pharaon, says: Time does not heal all wounds, because time doesn't heal anything. Only active participation causes healing.
When we are acting from our wounds, which is when we are in our self-protective mode, we create blind spots. This is different than competence because competence issues are a lack of knowledge. Blind spots that arise from self-protection are manufactured by a person's psyche so that they don't have to look at parts of themself or their life that they don't want to see. If we acknowledge something that we don't like, we fear that we give it power. As if acknowledgment will speak it into existence. When in reality, the more that something is avoided, the more power it actually gains over us.
In some studies, the emotional reactivity that people experience when they are in their self-protective mode is described as a reaction to "norm violations." The process behind norm violations is that the brain has created a reality based on its emotions, experiences, memories, and desire to stay safe. From all those inputs, the brain creates "norms" that it believes to be fact. When something happens in the reality around a person that shows them that their facts are wrong, it triggers a desire to stay safe and not have to confront their miscalculation--their sense of self. Self-protective mode says "Not me, it can't be me. I'm right, I'm good!" and therefore we maintain a blind spot by refusing the feedback that life is giving us. We see this occur in careers, team settings, addiction, behavior, and relationships of all kinds.
We see obvious examples of this when we deal with situations like people at work who never help in the group project yet happily take credit; in relationships where someone cannot genuinely apologize or always has to be right; or when we fall short of a goal but know we didn't put enough effort in so we blame an outside force. We see this function constantly both around us and within us and with both small and monumental matters.
What can we do about these blind spots?
While it may seem like ignorance is bliss when it comes to competence issues, or that its convenient to blame everyone but ourselves when it comes to self-protective issues, blind spots are not bliss nor convenient. They keep people in a state of suffering. Because blind spots keep people from getting what they want, reaching their potential, and living as their highest self.
When we have failing physical health or feel terrible in our bodies but don't understand how to help ourselves, we suffer. When we continuously get passed up for promotions at work but don't know why, we suffer. When we have terrible relationships but are too afraid to be honest about the cause, we suffer.
Recently, one of my clients shared with me that she confronted her husband about the concerns she has for his health. She told him that she's worried about his cholesterol and longevity with the weight he is gaining and how he's having more cocktails and dessert at night. But she was shocked that his immediate response was "I am healthy. I'm a healthy eater. The weight is just creeping up because of my age. And the kids keep bringing home sweets." She was exasperated. "So we're going to blame it on our age, and then on our kids, and then pretend there isn't sweets and alcohol every night?" she wondered.
It can be exasperating to watch someone struggle with self-assessment issues. Especially someone we love. In this case, my client worried about her husbands lifespan and declining health, and she wondered what was happening in his emotional world that was making him reach for alcohol and sweets. But his language is a lovely example of what we're talking about today. There could be hurdles in his nutrition knowledge (competence), his self-regulation and emotional eating (blind spots), and his use of blaming external forces (self-protection) is a way to not have to look at the dragon at the end of his bed. Its understandable. It is scary to look.
While we can't control others nor promote their healing (that's too big of a discussion for today), what we DO have control over is ourselves. And the story above gives us our clue for the antidote.
Notice my clients husband's word choice. His language is signaling that he's feeling what's called an external locus of control. This is a common avoidance mechanism that prevents people from being able to accurately self-assess. He cites his age and children as the reasons for his metabolic changes, not his own behaviors. In other words, he's saying: there's something outside of me that's doing this to me. Surely we can all see parts of ourselves in that quote. Who hasn't cast blame when they are feeling fear or shame?
We see clues of this thought pattern in our use of language all the time. In fact, just this morning I had a conversation with someone who was feeling frustrated about her poor lab work and weight changes and she said "I have my children to thank for this. They just love to bring home junk!"
But notice what this language also does to our story. It says: I have no power.
If everything that's happening to us is outside of our control, then we can't do a single thing about our situation, can we? Indeed, an external locus of control robs us completely of all agency. And the worst part is, we do that to ourselves! It blocks our ability to self-assess and step into our power. When we rewire this thought-programming, we open up the door to a new life. And that is the lynchpin to all self-assessment skills.
Experiment with Self-Assessment Tools
Because you're reading this, I imagine that you're someone who does care about creating change in your life. You must be someone who has some goals that are calling to you, or perhaps you have a vested interest in self-assessment and personal growth. Now that we've established what blind spots are, where they can arise from, and what perpetuates them, let's talk about how to shift them.
Three valuable self-assessment tools that can help us explore how these hurdles might be effecting us personally are: (1) thought-behavior maps, (2) Wise Mind, and (3) feedback requests.
Thought-Behavior Maps
Thought-behavior maps are a wonderful journaling tool that helps us slow down and catch our own programming. Here's how it works:
When we have an emotional event arise in our body--like after we get negative feedback at work, see concerning new lab work, or have a fight with a loved one--we first record the physical experience of the emotion in our journal. This might be something like "I feel heat in my chest, I have the urge to run."
Then, we record the granular emotions of what we feel. Not just simply "anxiety," but more in-depth. Something like "I feel panicked at the thought that I did something that harmed my health. My high cholesterol is scaring me. I am afraid of having a heart attack."
Then, we record our behavioral reactivity using the "I want to ____" and "I have the urge to ____" prompts. It could be something such as "After I feel this heat in my chest, I want to escape. I have the urge to fight with my spouse and yell at him for not helping me cook more. I have the urge to blame my family as the cause for me not having enough time to exercise. I have the urge to pour some wine and be alone."
Then repeat this process with experiences we have that relate to our goal.
After a little while, the thought-behavior patterns become clearer and clearer. We see the reactivity, the quick programming, and the autopilot modes that we go into. It can help us see the blind spots from a distance when we write out our thoughts and behaviors. This will become the essential data to behavior change.
Wise Mind
The data from the journaling above can help us then cultivate our Wise Mind skills. Wise Mind is a term for when we are in our higher mind--outside of our reactivity, wounds, and emotions and more in-tune with wisdom, logic, and thoughtful choices. I like to think of our Wise Mind as the "viewer" to our thoughts rather than the thoughts themselves. In other words, when I can view my thoughts and behavior from a distance, I can step out of my reactivity and into my wiser, conscious self that makes good decisions for me.
Using the example above, the journaler would have found that she has a fear of doing something wrong (unhealthy eating that caused high cholesterol) and therefore wanted to escape the blame and point the finger at family members (self-protection) and then numb herself with wine (self-soothing). See the blind spots? She likely needs some shifts in her emotional regulation, accountability, external locus of control, and use of wine. Cutting down just on the wine alone might even get her labs back in range! Looking at her journal will help her reach her Wise Mind. She can pause, step back, and see the pattern.
I usually start my clients with the goal of enacting "the pause" first. When we feel our reactivity and emotions pulling us into our wounds and fears, we have to pause. Thus, Wise Mind can look something like this:
When you detect reactivity in yourself, pause. Pause some more. Breath.
Notice the thoughts and experience within and journal it.
Look at the behavioral map that flows as you write. You can see the reactivity, blind spots, or tender places within you.
Then step into your Wise Mind by stepping back out of the reactivity. Think about what you really need, and guide yourself towards that choice/behavior instead.
Truthfully, Wise Mind is not easy. I can count the adults I know on one hand who have strong Wise Mind skills. Most don't. And you probably never learned how to do this nor witnessed mature adults doing something like it. So be gentle with yourself, and first start by slowing down, pausing, and stepping back. You won't get it "right" right away. That's ok! The goal isn't to be "right" anyways--its to start seeing ourselves more accurately and then acting in alignment with what we actually want in life. This takes us out of our blind spots and self-protective modes and into our power.
Feedback Requests
Another powerful tool for self-assessment is to actually get help from others. This is one of the most powerful tools at our disposal. If we're struggling to understand where we are getting stuck, or if we feel blind, uncertain, or fragile when it comes to a certain topic, we can use a safe relationship to help us. This is where a truly safe, loving, and trusting partner, friend, or family member can be used.
When I'm really struggling to determine where I'm getting stuck with something, I sit down my husband and tell him about what I think is happening, and then ask him: "Is this how you've witnessed me?" or "Is this how you've experienced me?"
Sometimes he says "yes, I agree. I've seen you do that, too," and then I invite him to explain more. Or sometimes he says "I haven't seen that exactly. I've experienced you more as doing ____." And then I ask him to share more and explain how he has experienced me as it relates to the issue at hand.
Let's use my clients husband as an example. If he had said to his wife "I'm noticing my lab work came back out-of-range and my weight has changed. I feel a little overwhelmed about what to do. I'm not sure what I can change, I feel like I'm a really healthy eater usually. Is this how you've witnessed me, too?" She then could share, "I care about you and want you to be healthy, too. And most importantly, I want you to feel good. My experience with you has been that this past year there has been more alcohol at night, and more sweets. It seems like those have increased. We could work on this together and I'm here to support you. Now that I'm mentioning it, can you recall the change in alcohol and dessert consumption, too?" And as they progress, their discussion might bloom into exploring where his emotional eating is coming from, and what's causing the increased alcohol intake. They could make a plan for making dinners as a family, taking walks after they eat, and maybe going to the gym together. Overall, this discussion would have invited him to explore and he would have received help moving through his blind spots.
Feedback requests are a powerful way to get up-close and intimate insight into ourselves. It can be extremely useful. However, do not invite feedback if it triggers you to be defensive. And do not invite feedback from someone you do not trust or can safely communicate with.
We can even use feedback requests at work, in sports, in our families, in romantic relationships, and so much more. Its often an untapped tool because it can feel so, so risky to take this step with someone. But it also can be a place where a wealth of personal insight is hiding in plain sight.
Your Art and Science of Self-Assessment
I hope that the science, studies, stories, and tools mapped out here serve as a launchpad for the next phase of your growth. In all facets of medicine, self-care, behavior, and health, we know that humans experience major hurdles in their self-assessments, and therefore in their healing and ability to live their best life. Science shows us that this undoubtedly can be one of the greatest hurdles to human potential, and therefore its imperative that we learn how to work through it. Research also consistently shows us that the happiest, healthiest people with meaningful careers, nourishing relationships, happy marriages and families, and long lifespans are those with an internal locus of control and those who demonstrate rigor and curiosity in their self-assessments.
With the power of this information in mind, I hope that this helps you step into your higher self, inner knowing, and wiser mind so that you can get closer to living the life you want!